happily ever after

This week, K. Syrah (http://www.shoesneverworn.com/about/) challenged me with “Unravel a fairy tale after the Happily Ever After.”  I challenged Bewildered Bug with “describe your favorite travel moment” and you can read it here: http://bewilderedbugs.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-favourite-travel-moment.html

Unravel a fairy tale after the Happily Ever After

She was wrapped up in the moment.  Literally, wrapped up in the soft, thin wool shawl and wrapped in his arms.  They stood that way for a long time, not able to look at each other, just standing so close and both taking the time to try to manage their breathing.  How could standing still make you so out of breath?  The heart-racing was taking over and the breathing didn’t slow down.  She didn’t know who moved first.  They were of similar height so the slightest movement brought their faces together.  She could feel his breath, warm and wine-drenched, as he stood there overtaking her brain and body by just being.  She had thought about it so many times, but those times didn’t come back to her now.  It was just here and now and happening and there were no thoughts but of her heart racing and her breathing and now his breath.

She moved in closer, touching their lips together, not really kissing, just nudging, and that was it.  Everything about her was moving closer to him.  The kissing was strong, all the energy she had put into slowing down her breath was forcing her forward through time with him.  He held her face in his hands and she wrapped her fingers around his and felt their kissing through her hands. 

It was too much and not enough at the same time, so she closed her eyes and lowered her head and pushed her forehead against his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist, pulling him to her.  The darkness was a respite from the surging everything and when she lifted her head, she was in her bed, taking in the room around her.  What happened?  She felt her face, searching for his hands.  He wasn’t there.  Oh my god, what had she done?  She sat up, lurching forward to push back time.  She shook her head hard – maybe it would all go away if she could shake it out of her head.  “No you didn’t, no you didn’t” was all she could think, the repetition becoming song-like and higher and higher pitched in her head.  Trying to swoop time backward, she waited for that vortex feeling of taking it all back. 

Only a matter of seconds later she came to and realized that no, she hadn’t.  It was just a dream.  So charged and passionate that it was hard to believe it wasn’t real.  But thank God it wasn’t.  No matter the passion, nothing was worth that feeling.

She looked over at him.  He was still sound asleep, snoring mask doing its magic.  Even sleeping, he looked haphazard.  He was in need of a haircut, an intervention and a month’s worth of exercise.  But this marriage; this life   - - it was the makings of each cell in her body.  There weren’t other options.  Okay, there were other options, she thought, again shaking her head hard to remove the recent dream.  There are always other options, but her mind and her body would collapse if the life they built came down to one passionate moment with someone else, even if it was as amazing as that dream.   Each day was a building block – just one block.  

Took forever to build that life and one act of passion, even a short one, would tumble the whole damn thing.  Bruise it forever.  Never to be returned to its normal state.  She knew more solidly each time she woke up from these dreams.  It was etched on her brain and heart because of that dread she felt.  That sucking in air as to back up time. 

Their marriage had started out great.  To this day, people still compliment them that their wedding was the most intimate and wonderful they’d ever attended.  The setting was idyllic, the partying so fun.  The 90 close friends and family wished them well and blessed them on their way.  With a start like that, how could anything go wrong? 

“Life gets in the way,” she thought.  What a common, unintelligent phrase.  An excuse.  How do you live like you say you will, like you think you will, the way you felt at the wedding or the honeymoon?  And just what is happily ever after?  Today, on this sunny warm morning, this version of happily ever after would be good enough for one more building block.